As the final hours of 2013 draw near I sit here in front of the computer conflicted. My intent was to share with you my mantras and resolutions for the new year. To publicly expel the troubles, trials and tribulations of the last 365 days and to profoundly project a renewed sense of optimism, promises of taming my inner shrew and demonstrate a sincere willingness to bury hatchets, clean slates and squash beef (special nod to Season 9, Episode 10 of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”).
Instead, I find myself experiencing a whole new level of introspection and reflection. My ability to simply delete from the recesses of my over-active mind the build-up of dirty residue remaining from tarnished goals and expectations isn’t the mindless and automatic reset process of which I’ve grown accustomed throughout my life. For numerous reasons, 2013 was significantly more complex and difficult. It was a year of hard decisions, life-changing choices and pushing myself beyond personal limits I never knew existed. It was a year of tremendous inner growth and professional challenges. It was a year that I would never want to repeat, but also a year that I would never change – even if I could.
With such a monumental year behind me why do I find myself unable to slip on a smile, conveniently initiate my selective memory sequence and cheerfully skip into 2014 spewing positive affirmations oozing of sugary sweet aspirations and dripping pools of rainbow colored hopes? While 2013 presented an array of twists, turns, challenges and obstacles to overcome it was a year of huge accomplishments for all of which I’m thankful of the outcome(s) and privately gloat with pride at what I achieved. So, those of you reading this who know me well may wonder why has the glow of my ever eternal silver lining outlook become overshadowed by a wave of melancholy malaise. I can only answer by saying, “I’ve changed.”
Perhaps saying “I’ve changed” doesn’t properly articulate my feelings. In fact, it would be a lie to say that I’ve “changed” when with the exception of some newly formed wrinkles, a few additional pounds and a continued noticeable loss of hair nothing about me has technically changed. More accurately stated – my experiences over the last year had a tremendous impact on my current emotional, mental and spiritual state of mind. The changes in my life, both positive and negative, initiated a necessary (some could say “long overdue”) personal transformation that has transitioned me from one point in my life to another. I can feel an evolution of self awareness surging throughout my body – a heightened realization and acceptance of who I am, who I want to be and what I want to accomplish in this life overwhelm me. I’ve become more acutely aware of the world around me and more confident in directing my worries towards things that truly matter and more easily disengaging myself from things that mean nothing or more importantly, do not affect me personally. It is liberating to free yourself from the chains that hold down others. While it is important to maintain a healthy sense of empathy for others I’ve omnisciently learned that I can’t bear their cross for them or judge them for their choice of wood for the weighted cross they carry.
This year I choose to forfeit the allowance of offering and sharing resolutions for 2014. Instead I will leave you with something to ponder as you consider embellishing in the tradition of making promises that you know in your heart of hearts you have no intention of keeping.
“Thought is the sculptor who can create the person you want to be.”
Henry David Thoreau
If the stroke of midnight magically erases the woes and mistakes of the previous year then you have a couple of hours to ask yourself – “who do you want to be?”
Wishing you a wonderful new year full of good fortune and happiness!